Friday, July 22, 2011

Things (1989, Andrew Jordan)

Just released by Intervision Pictures Corp. is a rare slice of late 80's Canuxploitation that has to be seen to be believed - Things.  What is Things?  Is it any good?  Will I need to see a therapist after viewing this film?  These are all very hard questions to answer, but I will do my best. 
Things is a no budget horror film made by Andrew Jordan and Barry J. Gillis and what I assume to be a bunch of their friends/relatives.  Oh yeah, 80s porn star Amber Lynn is in it as a Newscaster (filmed in what looks like the back room of a pawn shop).  Don and Fred (Gillis and Bruce Roach, respectively) go up to Don's brother's house in the middle of nowhere on a road trip.  When they get there, brother is acting really weird.  It turns out that him and his wife were having trouble getting pregnant so the local doctor used her as an experiment and artificially inseminate her.  What hatches from her pregnant womb is not human....and begins a bloody rampage on anyone it encounters.
My inital review for Things was going to consist of three letters and punctuation mark:  W T F ? 
Is Things any good, you ask?  It depends on what you consider good.  If your weekend plans are to see Transformers 3 then I would say definitely not.  If you like watching terrible movies that are beyond comprehension to the normal, non-lobotomized brain then you are in luck!  There is no denying that Things is probably the worst movie ever made.  Luckily though, unlike some other bad movies - Things is so eye-poppingly, brain-meltingly bad that it's almost brilliant.  How a film like this made it beyond the film maker's (and I use that term loosely) house (or the parent's basement that they most likely still lived in at the time) and not only onto home video - but to amass a cult following and be released by a reputable DVD label is mind boggling.  Still, I can't deny that it deserves all of this.  Though probably best watched with a group of friends and as much alcohol as you can consume without blacking out, fans of cheesy cinema will undoubtedly be sucked into the parallel universe of hand made puppets, terrible dubbing and a double assault of mullets and mustaches that is THINGS!  Intervision Pictures Corp. gives Things an unbelievable abundance of bonus features including two commentaries, a cast reunion, and several interviews.  So once the dizziness caused from watching the film ends, you are left with these features to try to make sense of the whole thing.  Good luck with that!
Rating:  7/10 
(This rating is based on sheer fucked-upedness and enjoyability, as opposed to actual film quality)

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