Sunday, July 5, 2009
Howling III: The Marsupials (1987, Phillipe Mora)
Marsupial werewolves? I guess it makes sense since the film takes place in Australia, where there are lots of other marsupials like Kangaroos and Wallabies. Ok, I guess it still doesn't make much sense, but whatever. With the rousing success (*FART*) of Howling II, Phillipe Mora came back to helm the next sequel. It couldn't be any worse than the previous entry, right?
Howling III starts off with a girl named Jerboa Jerboa (Imogen Annesley), a werewolf who escapes from her Australian tribe in the town of Flow (read it backwards....Nilbog anyone?) to the big city of Sydney. She is spotted by a young man named Donny Martin (Leigh Biolos) who is looking for a girl to be in a horror movie he is working on (don't ask). She accepts and gets a part in the movie, while also becoming the man's lover. After a few sessions of hot monkey love, Jerboa starts turning into a werewolf and gets hit by a car. At the hospital, she is discovered to be pregnant. Anyway, some stuff happens and Jerboa is brought back to Flow by three werewolf nuns (don't ask) and then gives birth to the cutest fucking thing I've ever seen. Seriously, I wish my wife was a marsupial werewolf so we could have a little werewolf baby. Donny finds Jerboa and they go off to live in the wilderness, along with a doctor and his werewolf ballerina wife (don't ask).
Howling III - where do I start? I'll start with the good. Imogen Annesley (hot Australian chick) and the cute fucking werewolf baby. That's really it. This movie made my head hurt because of all the stuff they tried to jam into it. I mean, they are in Flow, then they're in Sydney, then they're in a hospital, then they're back in Flow, then they are in a hospital again. Jesus Christ, it wouldn't have surprised me if they took a trip to Gilligan's Island, Disneyworld and then a fucking rocket ship to Mars. Another bad thing about the film was the makeup effects. If you're going to make a horror film with a terrible story, at least make the transformations look cool. Maybe they thought they actually had a good script because the effects were ass. They looked like really bad puppets. And what was up with the sex scenes? They were so covered in sweat it was disgusting. Made me want to take a shower. The cast ranged from decent to annoying (the big bald guy who played Jerboa's rapist werewolf stepfather annoyed the hell out of me, as did the bumbling doctor who was in 75% of the film but contributed nothing to it). So yeah, this movie was actually worse than the Howling II. At least that one made sense. Phillipe Mora should have quit making movies after The Beast Within. Fuck this stupid movie in the ear. I wish I was a time traveling marsupial werewolf so I could go back to 1987 and hide the original negative in my pouch before it could be released.