Thursday, April 9, 2009

Beast in Space (1980, Alfonso Brescia)



Ed Wood, eat your heart out! That about sums up this film. I kept reading about how terrible it is and after having no luck (until after the fact) finding the XXX version, I settled on the unrated version. I figured any film that is considered such garbage yet was re-released by the great Severin Films in two different versions must have something special about it.

Beast in Space is about ..............uh..............hmmm............crap............what was this movie about? From what I could pick up from severely muddled plot is that some lady named Sondra (Shirpa Lane) keeps having reoccurring dreams about a distant world where she is raped by a hairy beast with goat (or some sort of hoofed creature) legs. She meets up (and screws) the captain (Vassilli Karis) of some space ship at a "Uranium Milk" bar (so not making that up), who happens to have a really sweet mustache. After this random encounter, Captain 'stache meets up with a mercenary (Venantino Venantini - how cool is that name?) and retrieves a sample of the rare metal Antalium after the two get in a fight. It is discovered that the Antalium was brought back from the distant planet Lotrimin (that's not really the name, but it starts with an L) and 'stache is ordered to bring a crew there to retrieve more of it. Apparently it is super special and has powers or something. When the Capt. and his crew (which includes Sondra) reach the planet, they meet up with Onaph and all end up going their separate ways to do the horizontal tango. Sondra takes off with Onaph, who turns out to be the goat dude from her dream. He ends up raping her, as does a robot who rules the planet.

I would go on, but what's the point? You'd think a movie involving sex scenes with a dude with goat legs and one with a robot would be great, but unfortunately this film is not. Far from it in fact. Pretty much everything about it is laughable - and not a boisterous laugh but more of a nervous laugh. Kind of like a "laugh to avoid crying" type of laugh. The acting sucks, the sets are merely cardboard, there is a lightsaber rip off scene where the lightsabers look like cardboard swords wrapped in tinfoil. Then there are the sex scenes, which seem to be the real point of this movie. Like I said, I didn't see the XXX rated version, but the scenes in this were pretty boring and actually a little creepy. So unless you're (very, very, very) easy to amuse, you probably won't get much, if anything out of this film. I know I didn't

RATING: 1/5



3 comments:

  1. StarMummy: Sounds like it might be cool for my site had it been done during the Atomic Age. It certainly has all the right ingredients. BTY, been on a Fulci kick - watched The Beyond last night. Momma mia! How did the guy get that gore? The acid that turns the mother's face to slush (that keeps bubbling and gushing until it fills the room with a reddish ooze) was my favorite. Outstanding! As a friend of mine recently said (the guy who loaned me all his Fulci as Netflix doesn't have much in stock) "Everything Fulci does stinks of the grave." till next time --Mykal from Radiation Cinema

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  2. Mykal - Glad you are enjoying the Fulci films. To answer your question about how he got that gore, the answer is simple: the great Gianetto De Rossi. One of the best makeup FX artists that ever was. My favorite are the two eyeball scenes.

    Keep the comments coming.

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  3. Yeah, I was lured int by this crap too. I even ignored by internal warning to avoid Italian space movies after a couple of terrible ones.

    I think it says a lot about a movie when it is trying to be titillating and, at one point, it shows horses humping. That says it all, really.

    I feel your pain.

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