Thursday, April 9, 2009
Beast in Space (1980, Alfonso Brescia)
Ed Wood, eat your heart out! That about sums up this film. I kept reading about how terrible it is and after having no luck (until after the fact) finding the XXX version, I settled on the unrated version. I figured any film that is considered such garbage yet was re-released by the great Severin Films in two different versions must have something special about it.
Beast in Space is about ..............uh..............hmmm............crap............what was this movie about? From what I could pick up from severely muddled plot is that some lady named Sondra (Shirpa Lane) keeps having reoccurring dreams about a distant world where she is raped by a hairy beast with goat (or some sort of hoofed creature) legs. She meets up (and screws) the captain (Vassilli Karis) of some space ship at a "Uranium Milk" bar (so not making that up), who happens to have a really sweet mustache. After this random encounter, Captain 'stache meets up with a mercenary (Venantino Venantini - how cool is that name?) and retrieves a sample of the rare metal Antalium after the two get in a fight. It is discovered that the Antalium was brought back from the distant planet Lotrimin (that's not really the name, but it starts with an L) and 'stache is ordered to bring a crew there to retrieve more of it. Apparently it is super special and has powers or something. When the Capt. and his crew (which includes Sondra) reach the planet, they meet up with Onaph and all end up going their separate ways to do the horizontal tango. Sondra takes off with Onaph, who turns out to be the goat dude from her dream. He ends up raping her, as does a robot who rules the planet.
I would go on, but what's the point? You'd think a movie involving sex scenes with a dude with goat legs and one with a robot would be great, but unfortunately this film is not. Far from it in fact. Pretty much everything about it is laughable - and not a boisterous laugh but more of a nervous laugh. Kind of like a "laugh to avoid crying" type of laugh. The acting sucks, the sets are merely cardboard, there is a lightsaber rip off scene where the lightsabers look like cardboard swords wrapped in tinfoil. Then there are the sex scenes, which seem to be the real point of this movie. Like I said, I didn't see the XXX rated version, but the scenes in this were pretty boring and actually a little creepy. So unless you're (very, very, very) easy to amuse, you probably won't get much, if anything out of this film. I know I didn't